Dancing with Wolves... I mean Worm.

This weekend was a huge success. My favorite of favorites was in town. What a great follow up to my weekend in Kentucky, a fun filled weekend with Worm. It wasn't a normal weekend for me. A miracle took place ya'll. A modern day miracle. I danced. Yes, I know. Crazy, right? For those of you who know me, I don't dance. Ever. It just can't happen. I can't like it. Until I did. 

My first encounter with dancing was in middle school. Good ol' Joel P. Jensen Middle School dances were the highlight of everyone's year, but mine. So much fun for your average kid that was going through puberty and hormonal change. For me, it was my social anxieties worst nightmare. I remember dreading the shit out of having to go to the school dances every year. I felt pressured and forced to go "get jiggy wit it". So I went. My cousin Shanna banana loved watching me squirm. Our whole childhood consisted of her pressuring me to "let loose" and "just try it". She once convinced me to bring my gerbil over to her house to play with her gerbil. Her gerbil had tunnels and what was like a gerbil disneyland in its cage, my poor gerbil only had a wheel it never learned how to use. It was B.D.S. (borderline down syndrome), I swear it. After being conned into bringing my gerbil to her house, her house that was all the way around our block might I add. I quickly started making travel arrangements in my head. BAM! Got it, my mom put everything in zip-lock baggies. So naturally I put my gerbil in a cute and convenient zip-lock bag for the walk to Shanna's house. It was never just a walk with my A.D.H.D. ass, it was a sprint, skip, twirl, spin gerbil in the air and catch it kind of circus act. All I remember was her mom's reaction and facial expression, complete disgust and horror, as she swiftly put the "sleeping" gerbil in a small box, and sent me home to meet the fury of my short fused father Howie. This is the day I learned about death and how the grounding system worked and was going to work throughout my adolescent life. This isn't where the story ended though, sadly enough. This situation had to be scary enough for my parents, having to see their child suffocate the hell out of a gerbil with a zip-lock bag and not feel one ounce of guilt, but then also having a child threaten to kill the others is just a massive red flag! The next morning my mother denied me puffy cheeto's for breakfast, I confidently responded with, "Give me cheeto's, or I'll kill the other gerbil!" I was then on close watch for a couple months to make sure I wasn't a gerbil serial killer.

Shanna banana was an absolute free spirit, where I was a lil' insecure and shy. Hard to believe now, because people can't get me to shut up. It all started when Shanna found out I had a major crush on this boy named Sean, and that I couldn't dance worth a shit. Perfect opportunity for her to point and laugh, right? She disappeared into the dark/bad lighting show that filled the low budget decorated gymnasium. I'm alone. People are dancing around me and I can feel my social anxiety attacking my body and in result it is making my palms and pits sweat. My life! She returns, only to be followed by the teenage love of my life, Sean. And damn he looked good in his K-Swiss shoes and Old Navy polo and jeans. He approaches me, and asks me if he could dance with me the next slow dance. I freaked out, I didn't know how to react. So naturally I made the worst social decision for the situation, I said, "NO! I don't want to dance." Now this response doesn't seem that bad on paper, or in this case, computer screen. But my body language was impossible to misread.  I looked like I was shooing a stray dog. I ruined my first slow dance and crush within seconds. Shanna couldn't stop laughing. All is fair when it comes to family embarrassing the shit out of you, right? 

This weekend I finally let loose and cut that rug I've been avoiding since Middle School. Worm and me went out with some friends to dance and mingle. By the end of the night Worm was climbing off of a box she was perched up on for the sole reason that was to achieve the highest level of attention possible. I finally had my dancing shoes on and she couldn't believe it, she had to get a closer look. Pointing in shock she came down off her box to see it up close and personal. It was true. I was dancing. Mission accomplished, she actually got me to dance. I'm a natural, sorta, okay not really at all. I'm already nervous about doing it again, damn my social anxiety and lack of dancing ability and skill.

I'm Sick of Goodbyes

Another successful trip back to my roots. There is something about going back to where you started that reminds you of who you are and how you got there. I have the best support system out in the Kentucky, Indiana and Tennessee area. Every time I fly out, there is this horrible fear I have that something has changed, that this trip we won't have what we had as friends. You know what I'm talking about, right? The separation that can get between you and friends over time and you can never find that same connection or chemistry you once had together. That is one of my biggest fears. We all work hard to keep this connection strong. With the e-mails, text messages, Facebook and phone calls. It's been five years and I still feel like I never left. 

Once I got out there we jumped right back into what we do best, stories of old times, stories of present times, life changes and the dreaded relationships category. We can lay around for hours and play catch up. When we played college basketball at the University of Evansville, we were so tired all the time from ball that our favorite form of entertainment was laying around picking apart each others brains. This lazy form of entertainment is the reason why we know each other so incredibly well. I know the life stories of my best friends and they know mine. I even let my roommate Kim read my childhood journal! Bad idea, I have been teased about my simple, innocent and tacky personal narration of my little life for years now. As a child I had just about every allergy possible, so I had a sinus infection for a good amount of my lil life. This made me very insecure and my family didn't help much, they would always say, "Chelsea! Go blow your nose!" Kim will not let this line die. Whenever I whine about something she will quickly respond with, "Oh, Chelsea! Go blow your nose!" REAL ANNOYING! I heard it a lot this weekend. 

Another funny thing is we all have different religious backgrounds. It varies from Catholic, to Baptist, to Methodist and of course to Mormon. This usually would form a gap in a friendship because it is hard to connect on a deeper level when belief systems are so different. This has never been an issue. It only brings laughter, usually on my behalf. Mormons aren't common out there. Let me fill you in with the latest, "Point and laugh at Chelsea" moment. We are at Buckheads, watching our beloved Cards get their ass's handed to them by Michigan State, and my friend Kendra is telling a story. Well our booth and the booth next to us were connected and we were jam packed in these two booths with our neighboring party because everyone was out to watch Louisville. Little background for you, Kendra has a sailor's mouth like me and so Cammie interrupted her to tell her to tone it down, or actually to shut the hell up because the party next to us doesn't wanna hear it. I kid you not, the man turns to our party and says, "Shit, I'm not Mormon. Go ahead!" My friends and I fell completely silent, only to explode with laughter. The man's reaction was confused and interested. I had to respond now, to continue the laughter and explain our response to his simple comment. I clear my Mormon throat and say, "That's alright, cause I AM!" He felt so stupid and we could not stop laughing. It seems that every time I go out there, I am the butt of a Mormon joke. It's great!

The only bad thing about seeing my friends is knowing I have to leave them. The distance is hard and I'm never happier than I am when I'm with them. There is something about friends that you know will never stab you in the back or abandon you for insecurities or drama. We aren't like a normal group of girlfriends, we actually are everlasting friends with no jealousy or drama. It's not like one of my most recent groups of friends, no one in this group will be running off with one of my old best friends to start a himalayan whistle kid family right under everyone's nose. Which is a great comfort, cause that shit just gets weird. Now that I'm back in Utah, I miss them more than ever again! It's a never ending circle of missing, freaking sucks. I'm taking matters into my own hands and throwing Louisville and Indiana State in my hat of Grad Schools. Stay tuned ya'll. I love you guys!!!

Kentucky/Indiana Top 15 Favorites

15. Every time I come back it's like I never left. It's home.

14. Steak n' Shake with my favorite people.

13. My John Deere tractor sheets at the McMillin's... and pancakes on my face.

12. University of Louisville. Great basketball.

11. FROGS EVERYWHERE! Or just in butter tubs for Kim. I gave them as gifts. She would stop talking to me for days. So worth it. Pure fear is a priceless thing to witness.

10. Fire flies! We don't have them out here in Utah. Absolutely beautiful to watch at night. I remember when I first noticed them. It was kinda creepy.

9. Southern Gentleman. Best example, Kim's hot step dad, Jim. First time I saw him he was chopping down trees in a sleeveless shirt. This man is fit. I swear it was a seen taken from desperate housewives or something. Classic.

8. Ma Ma's and Pa Pa's farm and feasts. The most beautiful farm right on the Kentucky and Tennessee line. One of my favorite places ever.

7. Hardee's. LOL they still have Hardee's out there. Frisco burgers are one of the best fast food culinary accomplishment.

6. Southern Accents. Absolutely captivating. It's a danger for a girl like me.

5. Biscuits and Gravy in the morning... or every meal. I blame them for my freshman 30 lbs, that and the waffle machine at the cafeteria.

4. Brentano Hall at the University of Evansville... and all the memories.

3. BW3 wings!!!

2. The great conversation and night life with my girls, Kim, Cam and Heidi.

1. My families. I absolutely love my friends families. They always take me in. Love you guys. Can't wait to see you!

I'm so Excited, I Might Throw Up!

Next Thursday I fly back to the mother land, well... not Indiana, but close enough to friends and family from my year out in Indiana. I'll be visiting one of my favorite cities in the great fifty states, LOUISVILLE KENTUCKY! I can't wait to see my first and best roommate ever Kim (Erin you were amazing too, calm down, I have more than one favorite)! And my other friends Cam Cam, K, and Seltzer. Oh and don't forget my "long lost" Jess! I have some of my best and worst memories with these girls. There isn't a day in my life when I don't reflect on my year in Evansville Indiana. These girls will always have a place in my heart.

This trip will be like all the rest of my visits. Telling stories of our college experience together, throwing bubble gum and cup cakes at ceilings, BW3's, I'll be making my layered breakfast Kim dreams about at least once a week, and late nights playing a little game of, "would you rather" with Kim. Nothing tops my offer, "Would you rather eat with your butt, or poop with your mouth?" Yeah I'm classy. You all know what you rather do. Don't hesitate.

I'm not gonna lie, I'll probably break the shit out of lent while I'm out there. Great fried foods and wings! It's inevitable. I NEED Coke, plain and simple. Kim and I were discussing how great it is that I will be out there at the same time our beloved Cardinals will be marching their way to a National title. Perfection. GO UNIVERSITY OF LOUISVILLE CARDINALS!!!

Lacking Coka~Cola in my Life

There has never been a harder loss to handle in my life. It has been minutes, hours, days, and weeks since my last sip. I literally think that the absence of Coke has made me go clinically crazy. I have no tolerance for stupid people (that even includes the attractive ones now), I'm way too honest with everyone and I sleep the most odd hours during the night and day. My daily clock is jacked up now because I have been a coke addict for over 7 years. I'd like to apologize for anyone who has shopped at my store since lent started, my close family and friends, students, and for anyone I've recently decided to hate. I blame the loss of caffeine and cola. My apologies also go out to everyone who has seen a drop in their soda sales since I stopped showing up with my 32 oz cup.

I apologize to the following:

*7 Eleven
*McDonalds
*Maverick
*Sonic- "Happy Hour" just isn't the same without me, I'm sure.
*Julie-I know you have offered me Coke like 6 times and I have rudely denied it. You're my only true friend, because you offer despite my stupid endeavours. You really love me.
*Katrina & Danielle, for leaving them in their addiction alone.
*Anyone who feels bad for drinking soda around me while we eat. (Drew! Go ahead and drink that coke in front of me)
*My mental health and happiness.
*My pants that no longer cup my ass so perfectly. You'll probably be replaced sucka's.
*And last, but definitely not least COKE. We'll meet again.

Ode to the Tool

The older I get the more convinced I am that 73.7% of guys are tools. One of my favorite hobbies would have to be dissecting these men. Throughout high school I felt pressured as a female to interact, chase and be attracted to this species of male. What a waste of time and energy, luckily I was never attracted to the tools. I thought something was wrong with me, nope. COMMON SENSE is beautiful when you exercise it. Ladies, don't date tools. Seriously.

How do you even define this label we call tool-age. I'm going to do my best and attempt defining "The Tool". The tool: Men who are emotionally and physically high maintenance. Attention whores. Liars. Cheaters. Have an ego on steroids. Spend over 150 dollars on all their jeans. Probably didn't graduate from high school or even attempt too. Usually practice good skin care and might spend close to 1/3 of their pay check on hair products, hair cuts, lotions and teeth whitening kits. One-up kind of guys. (for example: my truck is bigger than your truck. Competition with size is common with tools because of lack there of with their size physically). Women abusers, not always physically, but most likely verbally. This is my definition of the tool. Not attractive.

You might wonder why I would blog about such a worthless thing as a tool, but I have come in contact with so many over the past three weeks. My cup runneth over with tools. And for the first time in my life, I LOVE IT. Not loving it enough to actually date one, but they can be fun and extremely entertaining. Let me get to my point, while on a double date last night I witnessed not only a tool, but a tool chaser. You might ask what a tool chaser is and what would they be defined as. Let me assist you, a tool chasers is: a girl who has tool fever and continues to go after and give attention to these men. I like to call them the enablers and in conclusion, they are the sole reason why tools even exist in our society today. Everything in life comes down to the simple theory of supply and demand, even sex. If we stop dating tools they will eventually die off like every other worthless and threatening thing. A.K.A. dinosaurs and polio.

Last night was one of those moments where you get so excited that you do creepy witch fingers like on the Wizard of Oz and can't help but smile ear-to-ear in pure enjoyment. My date was my oldest best friend ever Weevi, or some might pronounce and call him by his baptismal name, Levi. The best part was that Weevi was just as equally excited as I was, because we are best friends and have shared the same interests since we were in diapers, our interests being: building forts, playing legos, learning about each other's anatomy and being critical of the stupid people that surround us in our everyday lives... A.k.a. TOOLS! We sat back using our eye language some might call E.S.P.. We developed this over the many years of Sunday school and time outs my mom would give us when we would trash my basement in a simple game of build the biggest damn fort physically possible using every blanket, couch and cushion my house could supply. Our imagination was endless and way too curious. I was recently updated on things I must have suppressed from my childhood to prevent myself from guilt or embarrassment. LOL. WEEVI REMEMBERS EVERYTHING! Damn elephant.

We sat back all night and watched this tool chase his prey, prey that was willing to freeze on a slope just so that the tool would still think she was cute and desirable. Before we even got on the mountain I thought this kid was Shawn White by how he was talking about his snowboarding skills to bait in his tool chaser. Be ye not so stupid ladies, usually when guys can't shut up about themselves they are so full of shit their eyes are brown. His eyes were B-R-O-W-N! This was the case, he was riding through the park hitting nothing, but when we were in the car he made it seem like he was superman. If he was a gentleman with a brain, he would cater to a girls needs and take her on runs she would enjoy, but instead he was advertising himself, TOOL. There is nothing in life more entertaining than the mating rituals of human beings. The trickery and parts we all play to lure in our prey. Priceless. LOL. What idot's humans are.

Ladies! Stop fueling the need for tools. Seriously, get some confidence and date someone who has a job and actually is a man. Supply and demand. Stop demanding and their will be no supply. Thank you.

I almost killed Lent, but I started...

Lent is kicking my ass. How inconvenient it is, not being able to grab a quick bite, or have that burst of energy and happiness a glass of coke can create. I tried to cheat even! It's true, I'm admitting it to my four readers. I got a wrap at Red Robin "to go", knowing that the wrap comes with their amazing seasoned steak fries and I would probably fall into their flirtation with my tongue and stomach. After wrestling with the idea of breaking lent, I decided to get the wrap and see where the temptation would take me. The nice hostess brought me my "to go" bag and I was already starting to feel the high from breaking lent just by touching the handles of the plastic bag that was cuddling my food, so I tipped the hostess way to much and in turn received her bedroom eyes, awkwardly. Awkward and interesting what money can do to some people, right? That is beside the point though, I was off with some giddy up in my step. Headed back to work to satisfy my fat tooth. I made it to the break room, sat down infront of my lent killer, opened my "to go" white foam box only to find they screwed me over, NO FRIES!!!! Are you shittin' me. I emotionally tossed and truned, beating myself up over the fact that fries would be in this box and I would probably partake of them, all for nothing! But I can say, I'm still going strong. JACKIE be strong, no more!

If you are wondering what the "I started" means in my title, it's not my period. Why do our minds go there? Ha ha ha. After much talk and wrestling with the idea of writing a book, I have finally started it. As of March 5th, 2009, my book is under construction. What a struggle it has already been, I'm trying to get all these ideas down on paper and organize them so that I don't forget any crucial details. It's killing me already and it has just been a day. I'm bouncing around like crazy, which is normal for me. For all of those who will recongnize bits and pieces of yourself within my book. I'm sorry if I misinterpret details. Realize it is fiction and you are just inspiration for my characters within it. And always remember, there is no narrator or interpretation we can trust as a reader, sometimes not even our own interpretations. That's why reading and writing is such a personal thing. I love writing, and I hope you guys love reading. Thanks for everything!