For the Love of... Writing?

I have found myself living in a fantasy world this past week or so, which explains the glazed over look on my face that I have been walking around with only to make everyone around me uncomfortable. No, I don't need professional help or rehab my friends, it is just a form of depression not a drug addiction. I kid! I'm fine, but this state I am in is not any kind of fantasy world worth wasting your dreaming in, it's far too close to reality and emotional to be a dream, but for lack of a better word, a nightmare. 

Working two full-time jobs only leaves time for writing and day nighmaring I am afraid. I am at a point in my writing where I am actually living vicariously through my book because I am writing too in depth for comfort and pushing myself to create vivid imagery. It's draining. I've always been a believer in the power of words and language (see January blog "Words" for another one of my rants). I have read books that have left me feeling just about every emotion on the emotional spectrum. Whether it be happy, sad or even some form of depression, I feel these emotions for hours after reading. So with that said, writing a book only makes you feel the emotions you are trying to portray constantly, I am exhausted to say the least. 

Now, I ask myself this question every time I pop open my little white apple to write, and the questions is: Is it sane to purposely lose control of reality and live in a fantasy world, just so that you can make your reader feel alive, while you are left dying to create it? I know this sounds dramatic, it is, and don't forget pathetic. Thank goodness this is my place on the internet to whine and bitch, and I love it oh so much.

If you haven't come to the conclusion already, here it is. I have writer's block and emotional problems. 

I Won't Ask!

My friend K.J. and I had conversation on the way to our recreational basketball game last night, and this little session of gab really got me thinking about the things that are okay, and things that just aren't okay when it comes to social settings. This needs to be broken down, I'm going to attempt to get you on my same page of thought right now... 

We all know to say our please and are thank you, to give more often than we take, and to never beg. Oh God, you never beg! You will be stoned with humiliation in our society. Especially if you are begging for love, just buy a puppy if you need that. (Is there a program where you can adopt a dog for the dogs first good months, when it is still cute, exciting and new and then trade it in for another new born when that gets old? Wow, that idea sounds like how most of my friends treat relationships... never mind I'll just get a new book.) 

Now, my conversation last night was about how it is more appropriate to ask to give than it is to ask to receive in our culture. For instance, asking to receive comes off as begging and asking to give comes off as this selfless and a saint-like act. I won't go into how I believe everything we do is driven by self-centered motives and how the word selfless should be taken out of the Oxford, Webster, iDictionary and all other books containing factual information or definitions, because it is a fictitious and fabricated concept. Even if we do something nice, not for the verbal recognition, but just for the simple fact that it is suppose to make us feel good or strike a few good marks for us in "heaven". I often think, I hope St. Peter remembers this one when I ask, "Please, let me in." The simple understanding that this is going to make me feel good makes the act not selfless folks, Nice... but not selfless. Keep up the good deeds though, I have nothing against people feeling good for receiving and giving. 

Okay... so I guess I went into it the whole self-centered theory. I couldn't help myself, people that know me, know I love deconstructing anything and everything about our ideology as human beings. For those of you who can accept that they are self-centered, accept my last paragraph, let go and keep doing shit that makes not only everyone around you feel good, but hell why not you too. Now for those of you who really think they are selfless, you are either the one exception... "A MOTHER" or you are just now realizing and incredibly frustrated that you aren't as perfect as you thought. Get over it. I hope you cringe the next time you get the warm and fuzzies and realize you DID premeditate that you were going to feel those if you did something "selfless"! Sucka. 

Now let me give you an example of when it is okay to ask to receive, but incredibly awkward and forthcoming to ask to give. I was born with a God given talent and genetically perfected hands for the perfect back scratch, tickle and massage. My friends who don't look at my fate stalky hands like they are meat packing or labor hands, know of their soft sensitive side, and they take full-advantage of it. I am asked at least 4 to 5 times a week perform one of those three luxuries for a friend. This is the catch, they always ask and it usually doesn't happen right on the spot because I try and avoid being used more often than not. :) This is where my comparison takes place... Every time after I do not serve them, they later ask or state in disappointment, "You never scratch/tickled/massaged my back!" Now, asking to receive is one thing... but is it my responsibility or at all socially acceptable to walk up to a friend and say, "Hey! I want to scratch/tickle/massage you!" Is that not creeper status and awkward! Sometime asking to receive is just more acceptable than asking to give. Amen.

Falling out of Sadness

I've had a fluent stream of thoughts since Sunday. I've wrote a little here and there while trying to figure out what my thoughts actually meant, but gathering them into a whole idea and putting them into words has taken some time.  I realized that sometimes you just need an amazing friend to tell you to snap out of it, get over it and be realistic. I have that friend, and she isn't shy to tell me how it is, even if it hurts. I respect that.

This past Sunday I spent the day with this verbal friend, and this Sunday changed my perspective tremendously. It saved my sanity. Now, this makes me sound completely unstable, but I'm not, I just have had a dark cloud hovering over my life for a couple months now. It's hard for me to let go, especially after losing someone, but it was put in perspective for me perfectly on Sunday, "You're no longer in love with what you lost, but you are in love with your sadness." This might not make sense to everyone, so let me explain...

Sometimes we become so comfortable in our state of being that we don't want to change it, even if it means remaining sad, mad, depressed or hateful. These are all horrible moods and emotions to continually feel, right? But we can actually find comfort in these emotions, so much comfort that we keep them around to protect or restrict us from feeling the opposite emotions, because the opposite emotions like happy, make us vulnerable again. And if we just continue to be sad then we don't have to go through the roller coaster of being happy and then completely crushed again. We just find ourselves being happy with being sad. Contradicting? I know, but my past reality. It was refreshing to know that I don't need anything or anyone, just a change of perspective and an attitude adjustment. 

While trying to come to this empowering and optimistic conclusion, a friend asked me what I thought love is and to define my ideas of love for her. God, the never ending question that people have been asking for generations and generations to understand why they can feel so surreal and then so shitty again and again, lover after lover. I truly thought about the word love and came up with this definition: "Love is a word, yes. But more of a category for other words and emotions. It's comfort, companionship, lust, adoration, affection, routine, interest, hard work, friendship and family. Settling is not a negative thing when it comes to love, just a reality. With each lover we lose, it is human instinct to improve upon their loss with the gain of a better and more fulfilling lover the next time we choose to love. Meaning we will always improve our lover with every relationship we move to, as long as we are confident and are patient to wait for someone better than the last. Eventually, we are content and settle with a lover because we are ready to nest. Love is just a category and the idea our species has created to define the feeling all those words create within us. The lust and butterflies, they come and go, and are not consistent or love. Every relationship is case sensitive because we each love differently and in different cycles. It's truly chemical, the feelings we define as "in love." Hard work and settling are what is truly everlasting and what I would consider love."

I want to fall out of sadness and into "love."

SAVE JACKIE!!!

My dear friend and Co-worker, JacMac, has reached a new level of concern today, September 18, 2009. It has been a bumpy couple months for my little buddy, I understand this and have sympathy for her shortcomings and stupidity. Aside from her colorful personality and good looks of course, she is having a hard time finding another part-time or full-time job. I have taken the liberty of assisting her in the matter. This is the purpose for my blog today. Jac needs a job!

Don't get me wrong, she is a hard worker and very capable of doing great things in the work force... but when I glanced in her cubical today and noticed she was applying, on freaking Craigs List, to be a pimp for a company called, "Women-Finding-Women" I knew that the little voice inside my head was God asking me to reach out to a friend who has completely lost her morals for survival... I was horrified at first and then the opportunist in me gave her the address to my recreational basketball league that takes place every wednesday night, thinking I might get a small commissions check for leading her to a gold mine of "Women-Finding-Women-Weekly." She took down my reference J.I.C. (just in case) she has to actually take the pimp'n job to pay her car payment this month. ;)

This is where you, the reader comes in... If you have any references, ideas, friends, help wanted or leads on a job, leave a comment for Jackie on this blog so we can get her steady employment and save the face of her beautiful family. THANKS!

JacMac (in black)

Just a Little Story

I finally moved all my crap/important items into my drawers and closet today. I have had a mountain of clothes on the floor in my room that changes shape every time I dig through it for my next outfit. For the first time in weeks I can see my floor! It's TAN! Who would have known?!?! Feels good to have some order in my life. It is crazy to notice that once I start getting a little control in my life, other things start to get in order too... like my room.

 I love both my jobs, and I haven't been able to say that for the longest time now. The teacher I assist at the high school has been one of my favorite people/teachers for years now and I'm so excited to learn everything I can from her. She continues to teach me more and more about how to effectively influence and teach kids in our profession. I owe her so much for taking the time to help me with my craft.

The other day in class we did an exercise that really forced the kids to open up to one another and get to know the journey their classmates have been on in their lives, what their dislikes and likes are and so much more. When J.J.(teacher/friend) announced the activity we would be doing that day, you could see some of the kids were nervous about exposing their personal feelings, stories and qualities with the other students in class. But after a couple people opened up and shared, it was like a wild fire spread across the desks, everyone was becoming more comfortable and honest. I would have never known how inspiring and strong my students were until this day in class. I am so impressed with what kids can endure and overcome these days. I have been inspired by the honesty and life stories of each and everyone of these students. That day in class really helped me put my life in perspective and find my footing again. I thank them and hope they know that I support and believe in their abilities to become who they dream.

My Techno Alias

It has recently come to my understanding that I will occasionally take on a completely different personality when texting. Of course it is different with close friends who know me and interact with me on a daily basis, but when you meet someone new, someone you have no obligation to, it is incredibly entertaining to mess with them by creating a new "you" through your text messages just to see how they will react or respond. Interestingly enough, my text alias seems to intimidate or entertain the most conditioned text messenger. I LOVE IT. But when is living in this text message world too much?

We can become anyone we want through text, it's empowering. I understand that. For some reason it gives you a sort of high becoming and portraying yourself in a way you most likely wish you could be. I've decided it is actually quite frightening what we can become. The funniest part is I more often than not, find people more entertaining and attractive through text messaging. That's incredibly hilarious and SAD. How impaired have we become interacting face-to-face? I almost rather text date than actually date in some instances. I hope you don't find me rude, but people are becoming less and less well-rounded as the years go on and become more technology driven. Where did the depth go? We'll read 1,000 texts a day, but won't pick up a classic by Hemingway. It's complete bull shit. There aren't many people you can head to coffee with these days and leave knowing the conversation at hand was life changing or enlightening. Instead, your coffee date will most likely go like this, you grab your coffee, sit down in a uncomfortable contemporary steel chair, exchange a few sentences of dialogue and proceed to text message some "fake" person on the other end of your mobile phone. Unless that "fake" person on the other end of that text message is me, that shit is not worth ignoring the flesh and blood sitting across the table from you. I'd like to challenge everyone to get a grip and freshen up on their social skills in reality and not technology. Soon "sexting" is going to be considered better than actual sex! This is a road that might solve the filthy distribution of S.T.D.'s, S.T.I.'s and H.I.V., but seriously, let's not play it too safe. 

SAY CHEEEEEESE!!!!!

Back to school. It's the first school year in my life that I am not a student. It is crazy to realize how much of my identity was "student." Although, I might not be a student, I am still mistaken as one, and not in a good way. As most of my reader's know, I am going to be a high school teacher and I am currently a T.A. right now at the school I will work for until the semester change, when I should hopefully have a job teaching. Now, when ever you start a new job, you want to seem as though you are qualified for that job, right? I know that I'm qualified, I have the degree and shit, but it's hard to be confident when you are walking down the hall of the high school you work at and your fellow faculty member asks you where your hall pass is because they think you are a student. I'M TWENTY FOUR YEARS OLD. Embarrassing. This is only where my story begins. 

So I remember why they had me do all those story problems when I was in high school, it was for future reference like this, my problem solving skills were being finely tuned and ingrained in me to solve all sorts of problems in my life. So I saw the problem and I came up with a solution, I would make my hair a little less fun, dress in dull colors, act serious or mad and stop smiling so much. This was my new image and hopefully would make me look more like a teacher. My first day in my new image was picture day! O' joy! I hate pictures, always have. Every picture in my childhood has me frowning in a camouflage outfit. I would wear nothing but camo when I was a kid, I must have known that my life would be an ongoing battle for attention. 

I approached the lady at the photo counter who had all the information and the cards with names on them to give the photographer when it was your turn to be photographed and documented into the archives of horrible year book pictures taken by Life Touch Photography. Bastards, they always catch me when my smile is deflating and limp making me look like I have a crazy case of Bell's Palsy. The woman at the counter looked me up and down and said, "Senior?" I responded with, "Ugh, I'm twenty four years old." She gave me the pity look you get when you are inadequate at something, searched the faculty file for my name and handed it over with a hopeless glance. Great! I still look 16. Now I just look sixteen, boring and angry. It didn't end there though, the lady who prepares you for the photographer thought I was a Junior and the photographer thought I was well developed Senior. I knew he thought I was well developed because he couldn't take his pretty blue eyes of my rack. Is it like a prerequisite when applying for a photography job that you have to be a perv? Cause I qualify and need a second job. Think I look old enough to get the job, because I'm sure they aren't hiring Juniors and Seniors in high school!?!?!

When telling this story to a friend, she answered, "At least you look young!" Let me remind you all about the theory of age; it is not good to look young when you need to look older to be credible, e.g. when buying beer with your I.D. that no longer looks like you because you change your hair length and color every month, leaving both you and your I.D. photo looking underage and unalike. Now on the other hand, it is also not good to look old when you need to look younger, e.g. after your husband of 25 years leaves you for a younger woman (it is my personal believe that men age better than women) and you are left trying to find a new financial plan(male) but they're all swooping the younger chicks, leaving you screwed and penniless. I need to look older by next week and I have to stop laughing at the students when they disrespect authority.