Friday, September 24, 2010

Bout time...

I have known for a while I needed to start writing again because writing my ideas down seems to give me some stability, but the problem is I have no idea what inspires me lately. I know that without inspiration my writing seems to be stagnant and pointless. I can't just write to write, I need to feel passionate about my writing and my craft. I am missing my muse tonight, I have for a while now. I should have told my muse to stay, to be comfortable, to be mine... but when am I ever honest enough to be vulnerable? Never. I wish it was something my heart and mind could agree on, but I can't seem to allow myself to be honest with my heart. If that makes enough sense in words. Confusion and cowardliness drives me to write tonight.

I will admit that starting school back up has gotten my mind tangled up and confused, but at least it is being challenged again. There is so much of this life that is confusing and backward, I sometimes find it hard to stay positive when informed of its reality. It really doesn't become known until you are informed of its existence and pressure. Whether it be a social construct you didn't realize until someone presents to you or it might even be a relationship that is neglectful and one sided. These are all realizations that need to be brought to our attention because the routine of everyday life camouflages their existence. It isn't until we are comfortable and then broken that we can find the feeling of being uncomfortable. Who ever wants to be uncomfortable though? This might not make sense, but the past couple of weeks have thrown me for a whirl. I have seen people and things that I put a lot of confidence in fall apart to be left destroyed and defeated. It leaves me hopeless and heartbroken to realize these conclusions. How do I find hope? I write. My muse has been love, perfect blue eyes, heartbreak, beauty, strength, friendship and success, but I find that my muse these days is hopelessness.

Now, the question is: can negative inspire as much as positive? I think it can and does. Maybe hopelessness makes me sound emotional and depressed, but this hopelessness has made me motivated and want to show gratitude to the abused and defeated in my life. I wish that I was stronger and more honest with the ones that I have loved and because of my dishonesty I have in turn lost, but I always seem finish last because of this fault and end up mending my heart with hopes that others can be loved back and fulfilled with the emotion I am scared voice and practice. It just seems to be such a fragile game, love that is, and it isn't until I see someone I love get destroyed by love that I am reconfirmed that I am petrified to get broken again. Even though the people I see heartbroken are the strongest people in my life, I can see that even the strongest can fall as hard as my weakest flaw, that is, loving what I know I can lose. I want to apologize for my fault and let my walls down. I loved you, I should have said it. Forgive me. Rejection is far better than regret. Be honest and live with your consequences. Regret is the worst emotion and doesn't seem to leave, only periodically. Forgive me, because I can't seem to forgive myself.