Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Kentucky/Indiana Top 15 Favorites

15. Every time I come back it's like I never left. It's home.

14. Steak n' Shake with my favorite people.

13. My John Deere tractor sheets at the McMillin's... and pancakes on my face.

12. University of Louisville. Great basketball.

11. FROGS EVERYWHERE! Or just in butter tubs for Kim. I gave them as gifts. She would stop talking to me for days. So worth it. Pure fear is a priceless thing to witness.

10. Fire flies! We don't have them out here in Utah. Absolutely beautiful to watch at night. I remember when I first noticed them. It was kinda creepy.

9. Southern Gentleman. Best example, Kim's hot step dad, Jim. First time I saw him he was chopping down trees in a sleeveless shirt. This man is fit. I swear it was a seen taken from desperate housewives or something. Classic.

8. Ma Ma's and Pa Pa's farm and feasts. The most beautiful farm right on the Kentucky and Tennessee line. One of my favorite places ever.

7. Hardee's. LOL they still have Hardee's out there. Frisco burgers are one of the best fast food culinary accomplishment.

6. Southern Accents. Absolutely captivating. It's a danger for a girl like me.

5. Biscuits and Gravy in the morning... or every meal. I blame them for my freshman 30 lbs, that and the waffle machine at the cafeteria.

4. Brentano Hall at the University of Evansville... and all the memories.

3. BW3 wings!!!

2. The great conversation and night life with my girls, Kim, Cam and Heidi.

1. My families. I absolutely love my friends families. They always take me in. Love you guys. Can't wait to see you!

Friday, March 20, 2009

I'm so Excited, I Might Throw Up!

Next Thursday I fly back to the mother land, well... not Indiana, but close enough to friends and family from my year out in Indiana. I'll be visiting one of my favorite cities in the great fifty states, LOUISVILLE KENTUCKY! I can't wait to see my first and best roommate ever Kim (Erin you were amazing too, calm down, I have more than one favorite)! And my other friends Cam Cam, K, and Seltzer. Oh and don't forget my "long lost" Jess! I have some of my best and worst memories with these girls. There isn't a day in my life when I don't reflect on my year in Evansville Indiana. These girls will always have a place in my heart.

This trip will be like all the rest of my visits. Telling stories of our college experience together, throwing bubble gum and cup cakes at ceilings, BW3's, I'll be making my layered breakfast Kim dreams about at least once a week, and late nights playing a little game of, "would you rather" with Kim. Nothing tops my offer, "Would you rather eat with your butt, or poop with your mouth?" Yeah I'm classy. You all know what you rather do. Don't hesitate.

I'm not gonna lie, I'll probably break the shit out of lent while I'm out there. Great fried foods and wings! It's inevitable. I NEED Coke, plain and simple. Kim and I were discussing how great it is that I will be out there at the same time our beloved Cardinals will be marching their way to a National title. Perfection. GO UNIVERSITY OF LOUISVILLE CARDINALS!!!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Lacking Coka~Cola in my Life

There has never been a harder loss to handle in my life. It has been minutes, hours, days, and weeks since my last sip. I literally think that the absence of Coke has made me go clinically crazy. I have no tolerance for stupid people (that even includes the attractive ones now), I'm way too honest with everyone and I sleep the most odd hours during the night and day. My daily clock is jacked up now because I have been a coke addict for over 7 years. I'd like to apologize for anyone who has shopped at my store since lent started, my close family and friends, students, and for anyone I've recently decided to hate. I blame the loss of caffeine and cola. My apologies also go out to everyone who has seen a drop in their soda sales since I stopped showing up with my 32 oz cup.

I apologize to the following:

*7 Eleven
*Sonic- "Happy Hour" just isn't the same without me, I'm sure.
*Julie-I know you have offered me Coke like 6 times and I have rudely denied it. You're my only true friend, because you offer despite my stupid endeavours. You really love me.
*Katrina & Danielle, for leaving them in their addiction alone.
*Anyone who feels bad for drinking soda around me while we eat. (Drew! Go ahead and drink that coke in front of me)
*My mental health and happiness.
*My pants that no longer cup my ass so perfectly. You'll probably be replaced sucka's.
*And last, but definitely not least COKE. We'll meet again.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Ode to the Tool

The older I get the more convinced I am that 73.7% of guys are tools. One of my favorite hobbies would have to be dissecting these men. Throughout high school I felt pressured as a female to interact, chase and be attracted to this species of male. What a waste of time and energy, luckily I was never attracted to the tools. I thought something was wrong with me, nope. COMMON SENSE is beautiful when you exercise it. Ladies, don't date tools. Seriously.

How do you even define this label we call tool-age. I'm going to do my best and attempt defining "The Tool". The tool: Men who are emotionally and physically high maintenance. Attention whores. Liars. Cheaters. Have an ego on steroids. Spend over 150 dollars on all their jeans. Probably didn't graduate from high school or even attempt too. Usually practice good skin care and might spend close to 1/3 of their pay check on hair products, hair cuts, lotions and teeth whitening kits. One-up kind of guys. (for example: my truck is bigger than your truck. Competition with size is common with tools because of lack there of with their size physically). Women abusers, not always physically, but most likely verbally. This is my definition of the tool. Not attractive.

You might wonder why I would blog about such a worthless thing as a tool, but I have come in contact with so many over the past three weeks. My cup runneth over with tools. And for the first time in my life, I LOVE IT. Not loving it enough to actually date one, but they can be fun and extremely entertaining. Let me get to my point, while on a double date last night I witnessed not only a tool, but a tool chaser. You might ask what a tool chaser is and what would they be defined as. Let me assist you, a tool chasers is: a girl who has tool fever and continues to go after and give attention to these men. I like to call them the enablers and in conclusion, they are the sole reason why tools even exist in our society today. Everything in life comes down to the simple theory of supply and demand, even sex. If we stop dating tools they will eventually die off like every other worthless and threatening thing. A.K.A. dinosaurs and polio.

Last night was one of those moments where you get so excited that you do creepy witch fingers like on the Wizard of Oz and can't help but smile ear-to-ear in pure enjoyment. My date was my oldest best friend ever Weevi, or some might pronounce and call him by his baptismal name, Levi. The best part was that Weevi was just as equally excited as I was, because we are best friends and have shared the same interests since we were in diapers, our interests being: building forts, playing legos, learning about each other's anatomy and being critical of the stupid people that surround us in our everyday lives... A.k.a. TOOLS! We sat back using our eye language some might call E.S.P.. We developed this over the many years of Sunday school and time outs my mom would give us when we would trash my basement in a simple game of build the biggest damn fort physically possible using every blanket, couch and cushion my house could supply. Our imagination was endless and way too curious. I was recently updated on things I must have suppressed from my childhood to prevent myself from guilt or embarrassment. LOL. WEEVI REMEMBERS EVERYTHING! Damn elephant.

We sat back all night and watched this tool chase his prey, prey that was willing to freeze on a slope just so that the tool would still think she was cute and desirable. Before we even got on the mountain I thought this kid was Shawn White by how he was talking about his snowboarding skills to bait in his tool chaser. Be ye not so stupid ladies, usually when guys can't shut up about themselves they are so full of shit their eyes are brown. His eyes were B-R-O-W-N! This was the case, he was riding through the park hitting nothing, but when we were in the car he made it seem like he was superman. If he was a gentleman with a brain, he would cater to a girls needs and take her on runs she would enjoy, but instead he was advertising himself, TOOL. There is nothing in life more entertaining than the mating rituals of human beings. The trickery and parts we all play to lure in our prey. Priceless. LOL. What idot's humans are.

Ladies! Stop fueling the need for tools. Seriously, get some confidence and date someone who has a job and actually is a man. Supply and demand. Stop demanding and their will be no supply. Thank you.

Friday, March 6, 2009

I almost killed Lent, but I started...

Lent is kicking my ass. How inconvenient it is, not being able to grab a quick bite, or have that burst of energy and happiness a glass of coke can create. I tried to cheat even! It's true, I'm admitting it to my four readers. I got a wrap at Red Robin "to go", knowing that the wrap comes with their amazing seasoned steak fries and I would probably fall into their flirtation with my tongue and stomach. After wrestling with the idea of breaking lent, I decided to get the wrap and see where the temptation would take me. The nice hostess brought me my "to go" bag and I was already starting to feel the high from breaking lent just by touching the handles of the plastic bag that was cuddling my food, so I tipped the hostess way to much and in turn received her bedroom eyes, awkwardly. Awkward and interesting what money can do to some people, right? That is beside the point though, I was off with some giddy up in my step. Headed back to work to satisfy my fat tooth. I made it to the break room, sat down infront of my lent killer, opened my "to go" white foam box only to find they screwed me over, NO FRIES!!!! Are you shittin' me. I emotionally tossed and truned, beating myself up over the fact that fries would be in this box and I would probably partake of them, all for nothing! But I can say, I'm still going strong. JACKIE be strong, no more!

If you are wondering what the "I started" means in my title, it's not my period. Why do our minds go there? Ha ha ha. After much talk and wrestling with the idea of writing a book, I have finally started it. As of March 5th, 2009, my book is under construction. What a struggle it has already been, I'm trying to get all these ideas down on paper and organize them so that I don't forget any crucial details. It's killing me already and it has just been a day. I'm bouncing around like crazy, which is normal for me. For all of those who will recongnize bits and pieces of yourself within my book. I'm sorry if I misinterpret details. Realize it is fiction and you are just inspiration for my characters within it. And always remember, there is no narrator or interpretation we can trust as a reader, sometimes not even our own interpretations. That's why reading and writing is such a personal thing. I love writing, and I hope you guys love reading. Thanks for everything!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Ash Wednesday=Death Wednesday

Every year some people decide to make a new years resolution, I laugh at these people, consistently, every year. Honestly, who can actually give something up that long that they love or be consistent enough to accomplish a year long task?!?! That is 365 days of pure agony in most cases. For example, if you give up some of your favorite things such as Coca~cola, candy, trashy reality television or Kare bear's chocolate chip cookies. I myself have never even attempted to fail at a new years resolution. Why hurt my own feelings with failure? Which brings me to another concern lately, why do we set ourselves up for failure?!?! This seems to be a human trend. There are some people who are always attracted to the impossible or most complicated people and situations. I find myself falling into this category more often then not. But I have come to my conclusion... BABY STEPS.

My baby step for a new years resolution is the widly celebrated Catholic lent. I can handle 40 days and 40 nights, (unless it was my 2005 promise to stop swearing/cussing/cursing/making everyone around me laugh a lot) instead of the dreadful 365 days of a new years resolution, also known as the year long commitment of hell. This lent discovery and fasination all started my freshman year of college, I was blessed to have the most amazing roommate and life long best friend Kimmy. I have always been completely mesmerized and captivated by intelligent people my whole life. Kim is by far the smartest smarty pants I've ever met, although my Pappas is neck n' neck with her, both so incredibly intelligent. They are my two science super nerds. I like to think I balance them out by using the other side of the brain, but I can't compete. All I can say is, when your roommate can memorize an entire medical terminolgy text book in one night and diagnose every creepy quirk about you, which might include your sweety palms, deviated septum and social anxiety, you've got to take her seriously. And this diagnoses of hers also triggered the social anxiety of mine, SO EMBARRASSING! I then and there decided to believe every damn word she said without the blink of an eye. She introduced me to lent and all of its rules and regulations, I then decided to give up Coke (the only love of my life) for the alloted time she instructed, watched her get an ash cross stamped on her forehead by a unattractive priest and I was sold. Lent became my sprint version of the new years resolution. My own person baby step to make myself think I'm moving forward and might actually have some self-discipline.

For those of you who didn't know, ash wednesday was this past wednesday. I was informed by Kim tuesday night that we would be struggling for the next 40 days and nights to give up something we both hold dearest in our lives... Food. Not all food of course, we're not freaking Gaundi. Thank hevens, by the way, I've given up sex until marriage, no way in hell I'm giving it up for the rest of my life, what a tard Gaundi could be at times. I mean really, who doesn't fight back or have sex? Although his wife did seem fine with the decision on sexual abstinence, which says a hell of a lot about their sex life anyways, right? Anyways... I decided I needed moral support at the home front because Kim is a resident of the great state of Kentucky and can't boss me around on a daily basis anymore, so I rallied some friends together. My Jack Jack, Mighty Mouse and swobes are joining me in giving up fast food, as much fried foods as possible and we are only drinking diet soda's... if any soda's at all. Mighty Mouse has also added the personal challenge of no candy, this girl is like Willy Wonka! She freaking loves her candy, no exaggeration. It's been 5 days and I'm living it strong Lance Armstrong style, not feeling any fatigue yet. Pray for me, this one is going to be a cruel endeavor. Does anyone else give up something for lent? Let me know how it's going for you. And Kim, Jack Jack, Mighty Mouse and Swobes... be strong!