Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Bella Dani Vacca

Writing has always been my favorite strategy for coping throughout my life, and now I find it might be my only way to cope with death. I have wanted to write a blog to honor the life of someone who influenced and changed the way I view and live my own life. I lost a friend to a drunk driver on November 26, 2010. Danielle Vacca’s life was taken early and unexpectedly from all of us. Whether you knew Danielle as Dani, daughter, sister, step-daughter, girlfriend, Barbra, roommate, friend, co-worker, or unicorn; Dani was the type of person that made even her acquaintances feel like her best friend. I met Dani about a year and a half ago while she was living with my friends in a cute renovated house in Salt Lake City, Utah. This house was full of excitement, parties, dancing, laughter and amazing conversation.

I was in love with Dani the first time I met her. She was one of those people that could make anyone feel special and accepted; she did just that for me every time I saw her big beautiful smile. We quickly became friends and soon I was visiting my friends with hope that Dani’s truck would be parked crooked on the side of the house. My greetings were never hi or hey, but I always entered the house on 9th saying, “IS DANI HERE!?”

Dani had the funniest personality and THE most entertaining friendship with my friend Ashley Brown who lived with her in the house on 9th. It was really so fun watching two people who were so different end up being absolutely perfect friends. I met Dani through Ashley, and will forever love Ashley for this introduction. None of us will forget their fights and conversations in their horrible New Jersey accents. Over time Dani and I quickly found out our similarities and we would always end up leaving the crowd to sit on the old porch or by the fire so we could talk of politics, art, make-up, fashion, traveling, music, literature, philosophy, equal rights, religion and of course gossip! Education was both our passions and we never stopped trying to find the meaning of life by comparing and compromising our ideas with one another. Dani was born on May 3rd and I was born on May 4th and we had an ongoing joke that because we were both Italian Taurus’ we were the elite breed. God, I loved our friendship so much; it will always be a very special connection, and I am so glad that I had the opportunity to have had it.

I met Dani at a very crucial point of my life. I was struggling with loving and accepting myself for who I am. My struggles and concerns were never really voiced, but I think Dani had a way of reading and understanding people better than they could every truly understand themselves. She was such a support and knew just what to say to make me love myself. The way Dani lived her life was such an example to me, and I am sure, to many of you who knew her as well. Watching her and talking to her was a breaking point for the direction my life would go in. She taught me how to accept and love unconditionally. I watched my attitude towards life change throughout the time of knowing Dani. I want to publically thank her for the parts of her that she left behind in me, and for helping me to look myself in the eyes and love what I saw staring back at me. Thank you for being you and never thinking twice to alter yourself for acceptance or to please others. No one lived so much life in such little time as Dani Vacca.

Thank you to the Vacca family for raising such a beautiful and accepting daughter. I hope that you can find peace in knowing your daughter was so important and loving to so many people. She influenced and altered the thinking and hearts of so many of us during her short life. I know that Dani finally knows the “real” meaning of life, and I cannot wait to finish our conversation about it. Dani will continue living in my life and heart; she will affect my ideas, perspective and life forever. If there is one thing I have learned from losing my beautiful friend Dani, it is that there is no time to wait; live your life fully. I love you Dani and I hope you know how much you mean to all of us you have left behind.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Bout time...

I have known for a while I needed to start writing again because writing my ideas down seems to give me some stability, but the problem is I have no idea what inspires me lately. I know that without inspiration my writing seems to be stagnant and pointless. I can't just write to write, I need to feel passionate about my writing and my craft. I am missing my muse tonight, I have for a while now. I should have told my muse to stay, to be comfortable, to be mine... but when am I ever honest enough to be vulnerable? Never. I wish it was something my heart and mind could agree on, but I can't seem to allow myself to be honest with my heart. If that makes enough sense in words. Confusion and cowardliness drives me to write tonight.

I will admit that starting school back up has gotten my mind tangled up and confused, but at least it is being challenged again. There is so much of this life that is confusing and backward, I sometimes find it hard to stay positive when informed of its reality. It really doesn't become known until you are informed of its existence and pressure. Whether it be a social construct you didn't realize until someone presents to you or it might even be a relationship that is neglectful and one sided. These are all realizations that need to be brought to our attention because the routine of everyday life camouflages their existence. It isn't until we are comfortable and then broken that we can find the feeling of being uncomfortable. Who ever wants to be uncomfortable though? This might not make sense, but the past couple of weeks have thrown me for a whirl. I have seen people and things that I put a lot of confidence in fall apart to be left destroyed and defeated. It leaves me hopeless and heartbroken to realize these conclusions. How do I find hope? I write. My muse has been love, perfect blue eyes, heartbreak, beauty, strength, friendship and success, but I find that my muse these days is hopelessness.

Now, the question is: can negative inspire as much as positive? I think it can and does. Maybe hopelessness makes me sound emotional and depressed, but this hopelessness has made me motivated and want to show gratitude to the abused and defeated in my life. I wish that I was stronger and more honest with the ones that I have loved and because of my dishonesty I have in turn lost, but I always seem finish last because of this fault and end up mending my heart with hopes that others can be loved back and fulfilled with the emotion I am scared voice and practice. It just seems to be such a fragile game, love that is, and it isn't until I see someone I love get destroyed by love that I am reconfirmed that I am petrified to get broken again. Even though the people I see heartbroken are the strongest people in my life, I can see that even the strongest can fall as hard as my weakest flaw, that is, loving what I know I can lose. I want to apologize for my fault and let my walls down. I loved you, I should have said it. Forgive me. Rejection is far better than regret. Be honest and live with your consequences. Regret is the worst emotion and doesn't seem to leave, only periodically. Forgive me, because I can't seem to forgive myself.

Monday, August 16, 2010


It comforts most-
I am left unsatisfied,
but yet I am immobile.

I sit in your illusion.
comfort; you promise.
I feel despite.

Wanting more-
you can't give it.
obsessed with your rhythm.

I've been captured-
prisoner or follower?
I am not myself regardless of your power.

I'm finished-not devoured.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Hot Wife... Old Man?

(So much relevance)

There is an obvious pattern and trend that I am starting to notice when I hang out or mingle with what we as "Americans" call the upper-class. Why is it that when I go snowboarding on the weekends or spend my time in Park City surrounded by rich tourists, all I see seem to notice is the unit of hot wife, old man? I am starting to realize that investing in education, real estate, stocks or even pyramid scams (you know who you are friend('s)... and you have a lot of juice to shit your life away with now, don't ya? LOL) is not effective. The most effective way to reach fortune and fame is to hitch-up with a old man... Not just any old man of course, but an old rich man.

Hot wife seems happy as a clam with her half a million dollar ring blinding me in the eye. These hot mom's usually have one or two kids hanging all over their rumpelstiltskin looking daddy. I have come to realize with my recent observations that old man river did not realize that hot wife comes with the desire to still be a mother. Home
boy daddy is well past the age of rough housing or wrestling on the ground with kids, hell in some cases even bouncing a child on a knee is way out of their physical league. THESE MEN ARE OLD.

Now that you as the reader have created a mental picture, a picture that might include imagery of your grandpa with Angelina Jolie, I want to inform you that I am now taking applications for my rumplestiltskin... If you know any old dudes that are ready to hit the box sooner than later and are willing to leave me their fortune, let me know. I am experimenting with morals right now and want to find a positive relevance in possessing/lacking morals in my life. Thank you.