Social Suicide...My life.

Most people can't tell that I suffer from a silent disease called social anxiety. Reason's being that I can't stop talking in crowds, I no longer have a sweating problem, due to the chemical reaction caused by my nightly deodorant called "Certain Dry", and I rarely come off shy. The truth is I struggle with the fear of rejection and embarrassment in social situations everyday. I've tried my entire life to play this off and act chill. I'm sure most can relate with this anxiety. Have I been diagnosed? No, not yet. But I'm sure that my last social embarrassment was the catalyst for my new emotional and psychological struggle that is referred to as being a hermit with social anxiety. Agoraphobia is my future. Let me fill you in...

I made a new friend through another friend. Things were going great. She is fun and writes comedic poetry. What isn't there to love and adore, right! Before building this common ground most would call a friendship, I already had confused her a number of times with her teammate and fellow country woman. Names have never been my strong point. Always confusing the names with faces. This wasn't as embarrassing when talking to my friend I met them through. I would mix up their names and she would laugh. We would get a kick out of my stupidity every time. Who would have known that I would eventually be let loose around one of these two mystery characters on my own, flying solo socially has never been a safe situation for me. EVER. 

My fear of saying the wrong name was no longer limited to the scariest social setting of all, which is MY ultimate fear of praying aloud at dinner with quests.  As a kid we would have guest over for dinner all the time. Sometimes people I barely knew or long lost family members I didn't even recognize. This creates problems for a loud mouthed kid with tremendous social anxiety she is continually trying to over compensate for. Why my father thinks it's so funny to make me pray, I'll never understand. How embarrassing it is to pray to God and thank him for the company of a guest that isn't even at the table? Then again is it my fault their so forgettable? That's another way to look at it I guess... :) I'm an ass. 

Back to the story at hand. I was walking down the hall at school and saw my new friend of a friend. You know, one of the two I name confuse all the time. I sit down next to her. We start into a normal conversation. Typical communication between to people... small talk and what not. Then you have to realize my anxiety kicked in, I start telling her all my personal shit. What one might think of as an overload "get to know me". Happens all the time with me. I tend to feel a little uneasy and talk out of my ass about things people rather not know about me. If you've been a victim of this, this is my formal apology. SORRY. So during our two hours of talking people I knew had walked by and I introduced my new friend on many different occasions. It seemed fine. She was smiling we were having a good time. Seemed like a success for my first time solo with my new friend. WRONG!

The next morning I was enjoying a shower and washing my pre mullet hair, when I realized! I had called her by the wrong name the entire time. Two hours of jokes, conversations, confessions and introductions. The wrong name leaving my lips every time. No one corrected me. No one gave any sort of hint of my stupidity. I went on for two hours digging myself deeper into social depression and closer to the edge of social suicide. I'd like to apologize to my new friend and anyone who is at all affiliated with me. If you don't see me around for a while, don't fret. Just google hermit or agoraphobia. My picture should come up briefly. My life. Dammit.

Facing Changes.

Before this past weekend I had a few conversations with friends about change. A friend even posted a blog on her ideas and perception of change. This made me reflect a lot on my life and go back and dig through my old blogs from previous years and find a blog I wrote right after my experience at BYU. Maybe it is human nature to deconstruct and try and understand the changes that take place in our lives. A good friend of mine was talking to me about the idea that all things happen for a reason. We both agreed and came to a truth between one another that we create a reason for why things happened, not that things happened for a reason. Choice and how we decide to react to our environment is immense to our outlook on change. Creating reasoning for the change in our life gives us hope and the ability to cope and understand. Change can incorporate almost every emotion, whether positive or negative. I know my blogs have been silly and they have been so fun to write and create funny ways of looking at my life, but sometimes I have a serious thought worth mentioning. Fact is that change is part of all our lives and it can't be avoided, even with our best efforts to dodge the cycles of change. 

When focusing on change this past week and hearing the President of my church speak on this exact subject, I reflected back on my blog that I wrote at a more black and white stage of my life. It's always good to reflect on a time when things made more sense. I wrote this when I was 21 years old and titled it "Change":

"Change. Isn't it crazy how change comes when you least expect it? You have goals and plans your whole life and think it's what you need and want, until BAM! It changes and what you were scared of turns out to be the best thing for you at that time in your life. But then there are things in your life that should never change, and when they do, you hurt. Especially when things change so easily. I guess what I'm trying to say is change is the craziest thing about life. It is inevitable and chaotic at times. I hope that somethings never change. God bless my family, friends and religion. For this epiphany has made me realize what is important. It's progressing and changing things for the better. Changing what I have control of. You can't change people and their hearts. You can't control politics in life when you don't have the power. Sometimes you can't hold onto friendships that aren't double sided. Change is needing to be made in my life. Living things you believe in so much that you defend them... living it to the fullest and progressing. Cleaning up things in your life that aren't what you need. Building a friendship that is always double sided. A friendship with God. Priorities. Change."

I'd like to thank my friends that inspire me and are always there for an "In Depth Talk". Even if it's not what I want to hear, especially at 3 in the A.M.. My friends that are aware of change and aren't scared to verbalize it. Honest friends that help me through my rough time and I through theirs. Double sided. My family. My sisters. My mom. Without them I'd be lost. Accepting and reasoning with change is essential for progression.