Social Suicide...My life.

Most people can't tell that I suffer from a silent disease called social anxiety. Reason's being that I can't stop talking in crowds, I no longer have a sweating problem, due to the chemical reaction caused by my nightly deodorant called "Certain Dry", and I rarely come off shy. The truth is I struggle with the fear of rejection and embarrassment in social situations everyday. I've tried my entire life to play this off and act chill. I'm sure most can relate with this anxiety. Have I been diagnosed? No, not yet. But I'm sure that my last social embarrassment was the catalyst for my new emotional and psychological struggle that is referred to as being a hermit with social anxiety. Agoraphobia is my future. Let me fill you in...

I made a new friend through another friend. Things were going great. She is fun and writes comedic poetry. What isn't there to love and adore, right! Before building this common ground most would call a friendship, I already had confused her a number of times with her teammate and fellow country woman. Names have never been my strong point. Always confusing the names with faces. This wasn't as embarrassing when talking to my friend I met them through. I would mix up their names and she would laugh. We would get a kick out of my stupidity every time. Who would have known that I would eventually be let loose around one of these two mystery characters on my own, flying solo socially has never been a safe situation for me. EVER. 

My fear of saying the wrong name was no longer limited to the scariest social setting of all, which is MY ultimate fear of praying aloud at dinner with quests.  As a kid we would have guest over for dinner all the time. Sometimes people I barely knew or long lost family members I didn't even recognize. This creates problems for a loud mouthed kid with tremendous social anxiety she is continually trying to over compensate for. Why my father thinks it's so funny to make me pray, I'll never understand. How embarrassing it is to pray to God and thank him for the company of a guest that isn't even at the table? Then again is it my fault their so forgettable? That's another way to look at it I guess... :) I'm an ass. 

Back to the story at hand. I was walking down the hall at school and saw my new friend of a friend. You know, one of the two I name confuse all the time. I sit down next to her. We start into a normal conversation. Typical communication between to people... small talk and what not. Then you have to realize my anxiety kicked in, I start telling her all my personal shit. What one might think of as an overload "get to know me". Happens all the time with me. I tend to feel a little uneasy and talk out of my ass about things people rather not know about me. If you've been a victim of this, this is my formal apology. SORRY. So during our two hours of talking people I knew had walked by and I introduced my new friend on many different occasions. It seemed fine. She was smiling we were having a good time. Seemed like a success for my first time solo with my new friend. WRONG!

The next morning I was enjoying a shower and washing my pre mullet hair, when I realized! I had called her by the wrong name the entire time. Two hours of jokes, conversations, confessions and introductions. The wrong name leaving my lips every time. No one corrected me. No one gave any sort of hint of my stupidity. I went on for two hours digging myself deeper into social depression and closer to the edge of social suicide. I'd like to apologize to my new friend and anyone who is at all affiliated with me. If you don't see me around for a while, don't fret. Just google hermit or agoraphobia. My picture should come up briefly. My life. Dammit.