Saturday, March 14, 2009

Ode to the Tool

The older I get the more convinced I am that 73.7% of guys are tools. One of my favorite hobbies would have to be dissecting these men. Throughout high school I felt pressured as a female to interact, chase and be attracted to this species of male. What a waste of time and energy, luckily I was never attracted to the tools. I thought something was wrong with me, nope. COMMON SENSE is beautiful when you exercise it. Ladies, don't date tools. Seriously.

How do you even define this label we call tool-age. I'm going to do my best and attempt defining "The Tool". The tool: Men who are emotionally and physically high maintenance. Attention whores. Liars. Cheaters. Have an ego on steroids. Spend over 150 dollars on all their jeans. Probably didn't graduate from high school or even attempt too. Usually practice good skin care and might spend close to 1/3 of their pay check on hair products, hair cuts, lotions and teeth whitening kits. One-up kind of guys. (for example: my truck is bigger than your truck. Competition with size is common with tools because of lack there of with their size physically). Women abusers, not always physically, but most likely verbally. This is my definition of the tool. Not attractive.

You might wonder why I would blog about such a worthless thing as a tool, but I have come in contact with so many over the past three weeks. My cup runneth over with tools. And for the first time in my life, I LOVE IT. Not loving it enough to actually date one, but they can be fun and extremely entertaining. Let me get to my point, while on a double date last night I witnessed not only a tool, but a tool chaser. You might ask what a tool chaser is and what would they be defined as. Let me assist you, a tool chasers is: a girl who has tool fever and continues to go after and give attention to these men. I like to call them the enablers and in conclusion, they are the sole reason why tools even exist in our society today. Everything in life comes down to the simple theory of supply and demand, even sex. If we stop dating tools they will eventually die off like every other worthless and threatening thing. A.K.A. dinosaurs and polio.

Last night was one of those moments where you get so excited that you do creepy witch fingers like on the Wizard of Oz and can't help but smile ear-to-ear in pure enjoyment. My date was my oldest best friend ever Weevi, or some might pronounce and call him by his baptismal name, Levi. The best part was that Weevi was just as equally excited as I was, because we are best friends and have shared the same interests since we were in diapers, our interests being: building forts, playing legos, learning about each other's anatomy and being critical of the stupid people that surround us in our everyday lives... A.k.a. TOOLS! We sat back using our eye language some might call E.S.P.. We developed this over the many years of Sunday school and time outs my mom would give us when we would trash my basement in a simple game of build the biggest damn fort physically possible using every blanket, couch and cushion my house could supply. Our imagination was endless and way too curious. I was recently updated on things I must have suppressed from my childhood to prevent myself from guilt or embarrassment. LOL. WEEVI REMEMBERS EVERYTHING! Damn elephant.

We sat back all night and watched this tool chase his prey, prey that was willing to freeze on a slope just so that the tool would still think she was cute and desirable. Before we even got on the mountain I thought this kid was Shawn White by how he was talking about his snowboarding skills to bait in his tool chaser. Be ye not so stupid ladies, usually when guys can't shut up about themselves they are so full of shit their eyes are brown. His eyes were B-R-O-W-N! This was the case, he was riding through the park hitting nothing, but when we were in the car he made it seem like he was superman. If he was a gentleman with a brain, he would cater to a girls needs and take her on runs she would enjoy, but instead he was advertising himself, TOOL. There is nothing in life more entertaining than the mating rituals of human beings. The trickery and parts we all play to lure in our prey. Priceless. LOL. What idot's humans are.

Ladies! Stop fueling the need for tools. Seriously, get some confidence and date someone who has a job and actually is a man. Supply and demand. Stop demanding and their will be no supply. Thank you.


Dorothy said...

Oh I married a MAN!!! I could not have gotten more lucky! Your so great at writing!

Kat said...

Good old Levi! You two should still be put in a "time-out".

Erin and James said...

amen. but seriously then 97% of provo would die out...that is like tool central! az has a ton too, my husband and i always just sit and laugh at them. you forgot to mention that they wear those pointed way to long fancy shmancy shoes that creep me out! i love your comment about you and levi learning about each others anatomy! awesome!

Cheltz said...

I did forget those shoes! But some guys can pull them off and they give me the sparkies effect that I seek out every weekend.:) Ha ha Levi and I had a well rounded childhood, full of educational things. Am I the only one who actually used the line, "I'll show you mine if you show me yours?" Embarrassing.

James said...

Jessica is a tool chaser. Hahaa oh wait...crap!