Sunday, July 20, 2008

Happy Ever After and Unavailable Men.

The past two weeks have been quite the journey. I started this blog, school has been crazy (especially since after four years of college I've started actually attending my classes, really helps your grades, it's not a myth, class is important.), and I've been to two wedding ceremonies. This isn't really a normal series of events for me. I'm mormon, so I'm usually not invited to the ceremony. Go ahead and make your assumptions why, but it's not because of any rad or rebellious reason. Some people find it ridiculous that mormon weddings aren't really general admission type events. I count it as a blessing. Why fight for the right to take more time effort out of your day, to celebrate someone else's happiness? I rather send them a card or something they'll end up re gifting a month later, then dress up, get patted down by security and have my rights read to me by my bishop a month or so prior to the hitching.

 Both weddings were completely unique in their own way and completely different from one another. I like the variety, because I have A.D.H.D.. And  One thing I can say they shared was the fact that real love is reached through friendship. I've had the opportunity to get to know both the bride and groom of the two weddings, they are not only in love, but they are best friends too. It's hard to understand love when you have never really felt it. I'm sort of a pessimist when it comes to love. The pure physical attraction, lust, the idea of love that is displayed through entertainment and the devaluing of sex, just doesn't seem to fit the requirements of what true love is after seeing these two couples. Sex and desires have consumed and molded our societies ideology of love.  The love shared between two friends is such a powerful thing and I was so happy I got to be part of their day when they made their vows. Way to prove me wrong ya'll. I don't admit that shit often so eat it up. 

One of the couples I mentioned has been through a long rough road of denying their feelings for the other, in the dating world we call it "playing games", and let's be honest that's the most exciting and entertaining part of most of our meaningless relationships. This road came to an abrupt stop when I started working with them this past year. The bride has been my friend for a couple of years and so reading her was pretty simple. She insisted she couldn't stand her future groom, I knew better and so I instigated and baited her to come to terms with her real feelings. How did I do this? Other than being very blunt and calling her names, I flirted and consistently tormented her with the idea that I was into her crush. So I began to flirt with this fella. This experiment to con my friend into going after her man actually turned me into "that girl". This became one of my favorite things to do, (oddly enough, because four months ago I was a magoo college basketball player that had no skills at all in the craft of flirting) cause flirting with the unavailable man is like practicing a sport, you work on your skills and attack strategies, but there is no way to really get rejected or fail cause practice has no final score or audience. It's a beautiful thing for the insecure girl to not have to worry about getting crushed by rejection. Then for instance, when you flirt with the available guy and there is the slightest chance of rejection or failure, then flirting is like reading in the car, it's good as long as the ride is smooth, but once you hit some bumps or twists and turns it is nauseating and makes you sick to your stomach. Absolutely awful feeling. I think doctors call it ANXIETY. I've noticed lately that I am "that girl", that girl that every girl hates, the girl that flirts with everyone. When I say everyone, I literally mean everyone. Professors, boss, co workers, classmates, boy, girl, man, woman, and even with myself via bathroom mirror every morning. Some say I lead people on, others say it's just my personality. I say, "I LOVE ATTENTION, PERIOD. END. PURE ATTENTION!" 

So seeing first hand that "love" might actually exist, makes flirting with unavailable men and even bigger defense mechanism. Why chance falling in love? Sound like a lot of work and stress to me. Hopefully one day someone will look at me that way when I walk down the aisle wearing a white dress, that should have been the down payment on our house or my black Lexus. But until then, unavailable men will reap my compliments, attention and affection. God bless the single life and lack of commitment. If you're emotionally unavailable... call me!


Alicia said...

Oh Chels-- This post is all-too-familiar. I think we are more similar than either of us realize. My point being: there is nothing wrong with having "never been in love" yet. I never said the "L" word to anyone but Blaine (though he said to hundreds, I'm sure haha). I even hated calling anyone my "boyfriend". Actually, I never dated anyone long enough to come to that point. At first I let them reject me, I was more idealist and thought they were actually awesome, (which is super funny, looking back at some of these douchebags). The older I got the more pessimistic I got and the more apt I was to point out flaws and give mean nick-names. Nick-names gave the whole dating scenario a dissconnected quality I could easily fall into when I was feeling too vulnerable... YOU get it, right? Anyway (and I know this is NOT what you were after in writing this post about unavailable men), I am confident you'll find someone perfect for you, only because I truely feel like I did--and believe me, I kind of thought it wouldn't happen. I thought I'd have to "settle". Thank heaven I didn't.
I love you. I hope you still love me after you read my rant here.

Erin and James said...

you are so funny.
don't worry...i am "that girl too"! but the good thing is, my husband is "that guy" who flirts with everyone...which in the end really helps us get upgrades places, seating faster at restuarants, charges taken off all sorts of bills! amen to that kind of relationship where we are both willing to flirt and are ok with it to get ahead for each other. true sacrafice.
but lets be honest...i do it for an up in my selfesteem, the power and the total attention!