Recreational Fun!

With each and every week I find myself enjoying basketball more and more. STRANGE! I KNOW. This could be due to one of two things. One being, I might like it more because my teammates actually talk to me this season or reason two could be because my skills are slowly and surely starting to re-enter my limbs. I'm not going to go as far as saying my skills are back, but I did actually score some points this week. Which, sadly enough is success in itself.

On a more serious note, the Scorpions are 3-0 and unstopable. I dont mean to be cocky, but I'm saying this because our performance this week shows our ability to roll with the punches and stay on our toes in complicated situations, for instance... only having 4 players on our team this week. You might think I'm joking, I'm not joking, this is too serious of a subject. We were missing an entire body. Our team manager Mighty Mouse failed to inform last weeks MVP of our game (she's not important or anything), that we had a match Wednesday night at 7:30 at Milcreek, the most ghetto ass gym by the way. It's so gross, I actually witnessed a woman changing her babies stinky diaper on the baseline. Really? Not cool.

We arrived 43 seconds before tip off. One player short, and a teammate who will remain nameless, needed to use the ladies room and wouldn't shut up about it the entire drive to the gym. Sadly enough she had stage fright because of the poorly kept bathroom. Damn sanitation awareness and the fact that it has been engraved in most middle class American's minds. Ugh... she was forced to hold it. Then I felt pressured not to pee because she thought it was to gross... Ugh also forced to hold it. I seriously hate peer pressure sometimes. Not only have I lost my skills on the court, but I have to focus on not peeing my shorts too! What a stressful forty minutes I had ahead of me.

We started with four, and almost finished with three, because Chipper couldn't stop cheating, a.k.a. fouling. She got caught everytime! If you are going to foul, you have to make it cheaper and not so noticeable champ. I swear you went to Kearns High School... don't they teach you how to steal shit and stomp on faces out there? You should be able to get away with some fouls deary. And I know I tried to wrap around tip the ball from that fat girl and just takled her, that is beside the point. At Taylorsville High School they taught us how to cheap shot our way into the state finals with finess and class. Winning is winning, right? Take some notes losers.

In the end the four stunna's pulled off a dub. All that matters is winning, don't ever listen to or believe any of that good sportsmanship or just have fun bull crap they tell you, winning is the only thing that matters in basketball and in life for that matter. We don't mess around on our Wednesday nights. Mighty Mouse, Chipper, Maine Thang and The Toothless Virgin showed up with their game faces and took some house mom's names. Out numbered and with potty complications, we survived another week at Milcreek.

Home Again... And looking for one bedroom apartment!

There seems to be a trend in my moving pattern as an adult. I move out into a new environment and living situation, "learn my lessons" as most older and wiser people would say (or just Jac Jac), and then pack up and eventually end up back home to gather myself... and in this case, pick my dumb ass back up. There is always a comfort in surrounding yourself with the people who actually love and care about you. These environments are hard to come by, and in my experience, you only find a few people who actually stand for what they are portraying to everyone. And some people can lose what makes themselves beautiful and not even realize it, sometimes just for a couple weeks, months, years or even forever if they don't get ahold of themselves soon enough. I haven't been the best me lately, I'm in transit to finding that part of me I've lost recently.

Last couple months have been a shit storm of emotions, stress, school and shitty people. Being a girl can be such a curse sometimes. Our emotions are SO out of wack, but that's not the worst part about being a girl, the worst part is having friends that ARE girls. I feel like the last couple of weeks I have been cast in a role for the sequel to the movie "Mean Girls". Unlucky for me, I didn't win the star role of the "alpha bitch" Regina George, there was a more qualified canidate for that role. No, I was just a bitch! You know the dumb girl in "Mean Girls" that can tell the weather with her boobs?!?! Yeah I was that dumb girl, although I can't tell the weather with my boobs, they do get complimented a lot lately (Mighty Mouse is still laughing it up I'm sure). I was the stupidest girl of all, which thank God isn't the case all the time. I was naive to everything going on around me, and I just kept playing into the perfectly set up traps around me. Although the most interesting fact about this situation is, for the first time in my life being dumb was actually an advantage. I didn't win the "little bitch" position this time... You know what I'm talking about, every Disney villain has their "little bitch" who serves as their own personal worker bee. Perfect example being Jafar and that annoying ass parrot, all parrots are good for is mimicking the ass speaking. My lose is my biggest gain, I'm free from the games, the drama and most of all the back biting bull shit. If at one moment you think someone who is loyal to no one in their life, actually see's you differently, then you are by far the biggest dreamer I know.

I have been a critical, judgemental, shit talking, unhappy "Mean Girl" the last couple months. I ignored all my good friends concerns in my change of character and proceeded to act in a way I knew was all to familiar from years before. Change came in reaction to my environment, and for that I sincerely apologize to friends and family I neglected. It truely is an amazing thing to watch yourself shed the skin of someone you once were, even for the second time around. The past month I have seen people in my life moved around like chess pieces, myself included. Then quickly turned against one another and used for the gain of others. Why is it that the poeple who are the least loyal and honest with us we find the most attractive? We eventually lose ourself trying to keep them close and end up mimicking their behavior. Mimicry is the highest form of flattery...How embarrassing.

Finally, I got a moment to step back and look at the disaster I had helped create, I thought that I was happy. Happiness is not tearing down others around you to make yourself feel more adiquet. It's not about being the most wanted, powerful or manipulative person. My heart is softening again, I can feel, I can love blindly and I can see people for who they are, not for what they offer me.

Therapy... We all need it

Numbness fills my every thought.

Hidden by a smile-my inability to feel.

You were there to keep my unstable mind still.

You're not a sip, syringe, or pill.

My eyes have been opened and unpeeled.

All addicts become incapable to feel.

So what'd I feel? High-Content-Real?

God, I hate rhyming- I need a thought to mess up my timing.

I'm too numb to think freely-

Trapped without passions or feeling- Why'd you leave me?

You were always reliable to sort out my insecurities.

Thoughts become words-sentences-theory.

I feel manic-highest to my lowest in an instant,

why can't you just be consistent!

Believing thoughts, words and people-

our hearts the only honest speaker.

One day I'll be free of my indecision.

Even if the cut off isn't my decision.

I'll always be true to how I feel-

Promise- Promise: My writing will heal.

-Chelsea Robinson

Only because this subject was requested

Ever winter I fall into the same trap, year after year I join a basketball team in hopes that this year might be different than the last! I might actually enjoy THIS experience. I made a promise to myself that I was done playing ball after my summer league, although that league actually made for some great blogs and laughs amongst my friends and teammates. Peer pressure gets the best of me when it comes to basketball, always has. Friends continue to influence me to play out of my best interest. You'd think I'd know it was a bad idea play when I am too stiff to bend over and tie my own Jordans, and then when I finally get them tied, I'm already fatigued cause I haven't ran since August and my lungs have decided never to overwork again. I ignored all the signs, like I always do. I crossed the out of bounds line and proceeded against my better judgement. 

My biggest sign was when my two teammates tried to force me, the one with the mullet, to wear a headband in our upcoming embarrassment, and by our embarrassment I mean MINE! I declined that offer in hopes that I could save some dignity. We all know headbands are out! I even know that, and I've been out of the scene for awhile, wait... Coach K, when did you dismiss me from your closet, I mean office with force? Oh yeah it's been about 13 1/2 months since the BEST coach in history of making bad decisions kicked me off her team because of her insecurities. Hey! Coach by the way, my therapist wants to use you for a case study, you have my number if you are interested, let me know. She thinks it'd benefit most college athletes that are extremely frustrated and unhappy.

Fact is I went into this league, with friends I'm trying so incredibly hard to be cool in front of, knowing that I was extremely out of shape. I know that my present physical condition was going to be a frustrating factor because I haven't ran or shot a ball since our last game in August. You know it's a not a good sign when your first couple times down the floor you are trying to teach yourself how to run again. Snowboarding restrains my ankles in a 90 degree angle, and snowboarding has been my only means of exercise for the past month and a half. My legs felt absolutely retarded running and jumping around. I was embarrassed for them. I'll stick to snowboarding, save my legs the embarrassment, and while I'm apologizing to them, I'm sorry for neglecting my tan too, I didn't think I'd be wearing shorts in public this winter!

Basketball is not like riding a bike. Whoever used that analogy with everything should be shot in the face. I hate them and their words. I was playing against mom's and rejects that probably never played high school varsity or college ball and they were running circles around my ass. Everyone on my team had the most outstanding showing in recreational basketball history. I swear I remember Chipper throwing it down at least three times and Mighty Mouse shot over 100% from the arch. I, for the first time in my life was forced to play defense because I shot 0% from the floor and the line. Air balling one if I remember the most embarrassing night of my life correctly. God is telling me something, isn't he? Will one of my Mormon friends call me and let me know why I'm not being blessed athletically anymore. Please, zero points in a recreational basketball game is a huge omen for my life. I'm up for any translations of these events that have taken place in my life. I'll be waiting for a call.

 

Poetry Attempt... Don't judge, I'm a beginner

What's happened to me?

Has there ever been me?

For years I couldn't see;

what has built and created me.

Seeing life with a disconnection.

Have I ever had my own perception?

Using paths of deconstruction-

making an unnatural connection.

Starting with a new foundation-

my thoughts are moving in formation.

Progression thought to have forward motion;

but no one is moving in the same direction.

No words for my belief regression;

only revelation of personal progression.

-Chelsea Robinson

WORDS

My life for the last couple of semesters has been words. I live, think, create and express myself through my words. My mind has been racing thinking about the words and works I have studied. Looking back on all the complicated and intricate literature I have been deconstructing and enjoying over the last year or so, I have come to the conclusion that no matter what classic novel I read or theorist's essay, no one's words will be as complicated as the people I interact with in my day to day life. I'm actually at a loss of words trying to figure people out. I rarely have a loss of words.

What environmental pressure or social construct pressured people to feel as though they need to say what they don't mean?!? I suppose we all have said little white lies to potentially gain some sort of reward or status. I've learned that even people we could potentially trust with our life, probably don't mean what they say to us, because they don't understand the power and meaning of the words they use. But we tend to believe everything they say with a whole heart. I'm sure you can relate as a reader in some way to this abusive weapon we call our language. This human flaw of saying words we don't actually mean seems to be more frequent then not. That's reassuring, right? 

I remember saying in the past, "words are just words. They really don't mean anything". This was before I became an English major and realized that languages and words are the systems that have created every single social construct we live by and our societies today. Language and words are the most powerful thing we can possess in my opinion. Being able to use your specific language correctly and effectively can be the most remarkable tool you can possess in your lifetime.

 So why are so many people neglecting this gift of communication and expression? It boggles my mind to think about how many people do not know how to communicate or express how they are truly feeling through words that actually mean something and hold weight. Words are not just words at all. I was a complete dumb ass to ever say such an ignorant thing. They symbolize so much more than just the letters and the sounds they create. Words can be the rise or fall of someone's emotions, the end or beginning of a friendship, or the only way to truly express how you feel to someone else. Words can change someone's entire world and the way they see it. Words aren't to be handled lightly, but with the upmost care and delicacy.

For those of you who have read the book, The Four Agreements, one of the agreements is to be impeccable with your words. (If you haven't read this book, you should.) I've found that now more then ever I need to be impeccable with my words. Knowing the effect my words can have on others is a frightening thing to come to terms with. Sometimes it does take being the victim of untruthful words to know the power within them. Self-reflection can be a bitch and it always seems to come when you've fallen, never when you're up. Words are dangerous and beautiful.

End to Writers Block

It has been forever since I've posted a blog. I know, I'm sorry. For those of you that actually follow this nonsense, forgive me. I've had an incredible case of writers block that has driven me to the more poetic side of Chelsea. Which is scary, my mood has changed and I see the world like a disturbed non-social literary student. I thought about posting some of my poetry, but not everyone enjoys poetry, especially shitty poetry. I'll spare you.

Things have been crazy lately. I'm not absolutely sure, but I'm PRETTY sure that my father, A.K.A. Howie Dutch, cut me of financially today when I got home from snowboarding and I asked him yet again for some rent money. I think his exact words were, "Last time Chels. Time to start acting like a 23 year old." My main argument is, if you were to subtract the years of "real life" paralyzing college basketball, which is four years, that really only makes me 19 in the real world. I am like a baby! Making me financially retarded. It's a good thing basketball taught me to bust through walls and never give up... wait... I quit two teams and got kicked off one. What did it teach me?!?! The "RENTS" better make room, moving back home might be inevitable. 

For those of you who have worked an eight dollar an hour job, you might relate to this next glimpse of my life. I've come to the realization that my job could be the most frustrating thing for me to wrap my mind around. I actually came to the understanding that my job consists of cleaning up after adults. I work at a sporting goods store, Sports Authority to be exact. "Dedicated to the Dedicated" is our motto. I am NOT "Dedicated to the Dedicated". I'd say 97.5% of our customers are adults. They have NO shopping etiquette!!! I clean up after adults day after day for eight dollars an hour. The apparel pad of our store is like 40% percent of the store. For eight dollars an hour I am suppose to keep that much of our entire store clean and presentable. Seems easy enough being that adults should know how to clean up after themselves, especially in public places. WRONG! And women are the worst! I'm asking readers to start shopping like an actual adult. Shopping etiquette is not an illusion, it exists... USE IT!

To top of my Sports Authority experience, I have a story. My friend and roommate, T.R.E. came into visit me. We get two fifteen minute breaks. I decide to take my break and join her in the food court. Well my management has trouble functioning without me there to clean and open the fitting room, two things they are more than capable of doing themselves for fifteen minutes. They couldn't find me or cope with the fact that I was gone, so they got pissed. It was a really busy night at the store, but don't worry they had time to go watch the film and mark down exactly when I left and came back from my break. Eight minutes over the fifteen! MY BAD. That's not the best part though, this is the kicker, they actually made me sign a paper taking that eight minutes away from my hours for this coming pay period. I'm not great, or even good at math, but they might have saved themselves a dollar or less. They need a promotion! While they were in the back hundreds of dollars of goods were quite possibly stolen, but they saved that 79 cents off my pay check!!!

Sometimes I think my life is make believe and at any moment I will finally wake-up. This is not the case, this is it, my life. Change is needed and confidence is back. The last couple months of my life have been some of my best and worst. Growing and stretching as a person is an amazing phenomenon we all experience. I still can't believe how much we can develop and push ourselves. People seem to be our best and our worst possessions. Finding the ones who are genuine and real is the biggest gift in life. To find a couple real friends makes a life successful. I'm thankful for my friends that live up to this description. Love you guys.