There seems to be a trend in my moving pattern as an adult. I move out into a new environment and living situation, "learn my lessons" as most older and wiser people would say (or just Jac Jac), and then pack up and eventually end up back home to gather myself... and in this case, pick my dumb ass back up. There is always a comfort in surrounding yourself with the people who actually love and care about you. These environments are hard to come by, and in my experience, you only find a few people who actually stand for what they are portraying to everyone. And some people can lose what makes themselves beautiful and not even realize it, sometimes just for a couple weeks, months, years or even forever if they don't get ahold of themselves soon enough. I haven't been the best me lately, I'm in transit to finding that part of me I've lost recently.
Last couple months have been a shit storm of emotions, stress, school and shitty people. Being a girl can be such a curse sometimes. Our emotions are SO out of wack, but that's not the worst part about being a girl, the worst part is having friends that ARE girls. I feel like the last couple of weeks I have been cast in a role for the sequel to the movie "Mean Girls". Unlucky for me, I didn't win the star role of the "alpha bitch" Regina George, there was a more qualified canidate for that role. No, I was just a bitch! You know the dumb girl in "Mean Girls" that can tell the weather with her boobs?!?! Yeah I was that dumb girl, although I can't tell the weather with my boobs, they do get complimented a lot lately (Mighty Mouse is still laughing it up I'm sure). I was the stupidest girl of all, which thank God isn't the case all the time. I was naive to everything going on around me, and I just kept playing into the perfectly set up traps around me. Although the most interesting fact about this situation is, for the first time in my life being dumb was actually an advantage. I didn't win the "little bitch" position this time... You know what I'm talking about, every Disney villain has their "little bitch" who serves as their own personal worker bee. Perfect example being Jafar and that annoying ass parrot, all parrots are good for is mimicking the ass speaking. My lose is my biggest gain, I'm free from the games, the drama and most of all the back biting bull shit. If at one moment you think someone who is loyal to no one in their life, actually see's you differently, then you are by far the biggest dreamer I know.
I have been a critical, judgemental, shit talking, unhappy "Mean Girl" the last couple months. I ignored all my good friends concerns in my change of character and proceeded to act in a way I knew was all to familiar from years before. Change came in reaction to my environment, and for that I sincerely apologize to friends and family I neglected. It truely is an amazing thing to watch yourself shed the skin of someone you once were, even for the second time around. The past month I have seen people in my life moved around like chess pieces, myself included. Then quickly turned against one another and used for the gain of others. Why is it that the poeple who are the least loyal and honest with us we find the most attractive? We eventually lose ourself trying to keep them close and end up mimicking their behavior. Mimicry is the highest form of flattery...How embarrassing.
Finally, I got a moment to step back and look at the disaster I had helped create, I thought that I was happy. Happiness is not tearing down others around you to make yourself feel more adiquet. It's not about being the most wanted, powerful or manipulative person. My heart is softening again, I can feel, I can love blindly and I can see people for who they are, not for what they offer me.